funny as shit, wanna know what they tell me?

Everyone keeps suggesting that I do a work exchange for housing, like caregiving. pft. Its getting very frustrating. It would mean i would be getting up, possibly early to take care of someone else, going to school, class, switchboard work, student govt work, home/work/ & homework and going to bed. I'm not even able to take care of myself, and people think i can take care of others? they think i can handle working even more?! if working was all that easy for me in the first place i would be in this situation, and i'm already so busy expending so much energy i can't take anymore responsibilities on my plate. people are very illogical sometimes...

gg

Intersex Solidarity Day, Nov. 8th!

http://www.gopetition.com/online/9941.html
"Press Release - Please circulate widely

From: The Organisation Intersex International
www.intersexualite. org

Subject: Intersex Solidarity Day

November 8
Herculine Barbin's Birthday

The Organisation Intersex International would like to invite you to
join us in commemorating November 8 as Intersex Solidarity Day. All
human rights organizations, feminist allies, academics and gender
specialists, as well as other groups and individuals interested in
intersex human rights, are invited to show their solidarity by
organizing workshops, lectures, discussions and other activities
which deal with any or all of the following topics:

a) the life of Herculine Barbin
b) intersex genital mutilation
c) the violence of the binary sex and gender system
d) the sexism implicit within the binary construct of sex and
gender

Please show your solidarity with the intersex community. Intersex
rights are humans rights.

Express your solidarity with the Intersex Community by signing the
following OII petition against pathologizing intersex:
http://www.gopetiti on.com/online/ 9941.html "


My comments on the petition:

Apparently, i'm a liar.

ya know, when i was younger and severely agoraphobic, i was still learning that it took more than positive thoughts to fix neuro-transmitters, just like it takes more than positive thoughts to grow arms and legs back.

But, before i learned this, i rent myself upon the rocks of struggling to climb razor blades because as long as i thought positively enough, i'd be too busy focussing on thinking happy thoughts to noticed i'd lost a few limbs on the blades and was slipping on my own blood.

for some reason, the majority of the world seems to believe that i'm just fine and dandy, capable, and obligated to succeed in looking after myself, providing for myself, and to be content being alone.

and me staying alive appears to be secondary even to my sanity and the wellness of my soul, it even appears to take presidence over my heart and how i feel about others.

love, is one of the most important things that exist to me. people, are very important to me. When people tell me to focus on myself [meaning cut other people out of the picture] they are readying the nuce, loading the gun.

do not tell me how to heal myself. i am asking for help from somebody else. do not tell me to love another. love, love does not work that way, and if i have to sell my heart, soul, affections, and body beyond anything i might be doing now, please, just hand me the plastic bag and sleeping pills.

i have been invalidated and basically called a liar when i tell people what i am feeling, what the current process of existence is for me, how i am experiencing reality is to me, they keep trying to tell me i don't know what i'm talking about.

my partner is the last person on earth i want to be having those conversations with, because you are my safe haven, the thing worth living for. i am still alive because i have hope of you, and i have hope of not being alone.

but goddammit people i swear if things go back to how they were two days ago in my experience of existing i am going to fucking blow my brains out with the nearest next paycheck. i have not struggled, because i was unable to think positive thoughts. I have not been hospitalized, jailed in my own home by both physical and emotional fear, because i was not thinking positive enough. if you believe this, please do not speak to me as i am not strong enough to keep having these conversations, to keep having people tell me that i'm not actually experiencing reality a certain way, that i have in fact been living in nearly unbearable agony FOR SEVERAL FUCKING YEARS because i was lacking a few positive thoughts.

When your heart valve blows out and everyone fusses over you to ensure your survival, do not fucking tell me to heal my fucking self with POSITIVE THOUGHTS!!!!

MY FUCKING GOD THAT IS CRUEL!


i'm struggling in so many areas of my life. there are a just a few things that bring me relief and peace and the largest of those happens to be my partner when he isn't trying to run away, because offering me emotional support doesn't satisfy him, and my troubles make him feel inadequate. It keeps being framed that i would be happier. again, i am invalidated, when i say i would be happier if he stays i am set aside and my feelings and thoughts are not considered valid. they are considered childish, naive, illusionary.
If it makes YOU happier then go. don't project it onto me though. it isnt' even your responsibility to bring me relief and peace and you've always been free to go.

and this goes to everyone who seems very wonderful about silent reminders, honestly, i'm not anyone else's responsibility. lol! that doesnt' make me any better able to function, just so everybody knows that because i honestly think there was some sort of miscommunication on that one.

yes, i am angry. I happen to be fucking livid. I just canceled my classes for tomorrow, called in and canceled the hour and fifteen minutes worth of work they scheduled me for tomorrow. I feel very much like vomiting and my keyboard keeps moving when i try to type, the walls too for that matter. I'm angry because i've turned all of that inward for so long in the form of depression that now its been handed over to me, and i'm very good at getting angry.We could wallow and say "its all my fault! i hate me!" until i'm blue in the face and i've done that. frankly, i think i'll try being angry for a little while. maybe its a fucking good thing other parts of me have been sleeping unusually long this week because they've been taking this shit in for fucking long enough! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS WORLD? 

yay! the end. go home and back to your fucking illusions!

gg
ps i'm fucking hijaking the other blogs. its bullshit that i'm allowed to eat away at my own soul while wallowing in agony alone to spare the precious tranquility of those who happen to read our blogs.

This wouldn't post on myspace today. grr. so i'll post it there later. angry

GAD! I'M SO FUCKING ANGRY TODAY!! ...and i have to site at the switchboard and play nice with the callers so amiko doesn't loose her job. >_< i sorta forgot a few times. luckily the caller recognized my voice and it made them human again and i mellowed out. rawr

Current Mood: pissed off

Well, they deleted my old account fallen_from_the_nest (a spoof on angel boy's myspace nic "fallen gabriel" lol!) =(

yesturday i built a new account finally. I'd been borrowing gabriel's acct but they're worried i'll get his acct deleted and he'll loose access to his gender community. (the pinacle of his life's work..) The jury[amiko] is still out on whether i get to post on GS.. After all, an unstable leader leads to mutiny in the ranks.. lol!

oh yeah, i forgot, we're busy today. I better just post the damn link.
Possibly Mature content. Discretion advised
disobedient_slave

This prof belongs to my panther and I.

Current Mood: still procrasterbating hw

myspace and livejournal (crossposted): "Educating the Uninformed: Intersex?"


How many sexes are there?
way the fuck more than just two. ^_~

1) ps goodbye mr. happy handshake and pick-up.

I'm a slave-master, fire sign with a flashfire temper and a bout of good looks. I'm into myself and that's just fine by me. I have two lovers, myself, and my boy. and damn, that's some good lovin'! I'm my boy's boy of a boy who isn't a boy or a girl for that matter. we're both human beings. Stupid people perpetuate idiotic notions of gender to hide behind as well as to dominate. True sexism lies in the myth that there are only two sexes, males and females. It also lies in the myth that says that sex is significant and is any less socially constructed than gender. Fuck gender! Fuck sex! Fuck every person who perpetuates these fantastically idiotic human concoctions.

Once upon a time my old prof had this information here:
How to make a gg Ingredients:
1 part jealousy
5 parts silliness
1 part ego
1 part unpredictable Method:
Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little lustfulness if desired! Top it off with a sprinkle of wisdom and enjoy!
I am me. This is my profile. I'm moody. Somebody tugged my ass over here and told me they wanted me to have a profile. then they told me they wanted me to put stuff into it. so, i blogged. if you don't like my blogs, good for you. don't read them. they are mine. i wrote them for me to read, because i get off on reading what i write.

Why yes, i AM a fag today. Thanks for asking!
Button said "Fag Today"

Watashi no Hi soshite Kaze.
everybody wants something, i'm just the one who admits it Who I'd like to meet:
Not You! So Don't ADD Me!!
I come here for the sole purpose of masterbation. so, unless i invited you to watch, go the fuck away.

a lil penguin, so i can tie its ass to a tree and teach it not to run away anymore. bad penguin. no running. i like to chase mice, you, are not a mouse. stop making me chase you. let me eat you already dammit! hehe.
the person who invented the idea that blowse button design should be different for masculine and feminine attire. who gives a fuck, i want to wear my tie clip with all of my damn shirts! come here, i have a few shirts to feed to you.
A pair of leather cuffs..yes, i want to meet them too... XD~~

the panther is my hero.


My other hero is kozue, from shoujo kakume utena; revolutionary girl utena. Kozue means treetop in japanese.

she is "the wild animal" and my favorite line of hers is "I am always honest about how i feel" she wears that honesty in her expressions as well as her body language and all of her actions including words.
                                                                             

My favorite pairing for kozue is the panther (a diff panther than my hero. but how perfect that it has a parallel!) The utena panther is named juri arisugawa. You will only find their pairing in fanfiction though. i have found a diff panther to admire, one who is not made of colored pensils and watercolors and who is much more human while still being a wild thing.

the anime panther can often be found flirting with the two other blue haired characters, miki (pictured above) is kozue's twin brother. Ruka, is juri's childhood friend. The one juri desires is named shiori, who has purplish eggplant color hair. if only these three pics were juri and kozue...

juri is a panther. she is a predator, a hunter, but very refined. her tactics are calculated, where kozue's are raw. juri anticipates consequences and see's options as a chess game. Kozue goes after what she desires, consequences might exist but desired actions must take place regardless, so why bother thinking about them? juri hides her vulerabilities behind a locket and a cool exterior, kozue hides them behind bared teeth and claws.

Current Mood: inspired and procrasterbating

sometimes, the others say i should be grateful. whether those others are part of me, or whether they are people I know their logic is flawed. I should be grateful that I was dealt a shit hand speaking of health etc, and had to ask for help from others?
And then they say "well, grateful that you have good friends who love you while you are going through the consequences of having a shit hand." I could have good friends who love me and been dealt a better hand. Or, i could have no friends who love me and just die, and then I wouldn't care anyway. maybe that would have been better??

no, i am not grateful. a shit hand is still a shit hand, and having other people "give me liberty" is nothing to be grateful for, because they had to give it to me in the first place, rather than my having my own and not being expected to feel a sense of gratitude over it.

These are my feelings, today.

The other's didn't understand when that "down and out in london and france" (or paris and london or something like that) author wrote about his time with homelessness after being very wealthy. he said he now understood why a homeless person could never be grateful when he gave them money. I'm sure it means another meal in a hungry stomach, or a bit of alcohal to numb the awfulness of the want to live and those are things homeless people might seek and take a small measure of mixed comfort and bitter poison. Because it is an awful reminder of the bitter truth, one has been dealt a shitty hand. After the meal is gone, or the alcohal, the pain of living--one way or another returns--as does the knowledge that others are buying home theater systems, 5$ coffee's twice a day, etc. and there is nothing particularly more special about these people, nothing extra deserving.  the universe merely dealt them a better hand.

Some people believe that other's are equal. This is how they see the world. They are naive fools who burden other's with the weight and consequences of their belief. There are different kinds of "equalness" there is myth of biological equalness, which states that everyone is born with the same ability (to work, to function emotionally, to interract socially with others, to "succeed"(gain mobility)) Some people find it easier to numb the truth of their privilege by believing this. Then there is equality referring to equal resources. The belief in the first equality will lead to the belief in the second equality which breeds apathy for human suffering.

I am not grateful for their selfserving stupor of stupidity. I am only thankful for numbing comfort, thankful for one more moment to dream of being in a position other than I am at the moment, thankful for one more day of possibility, where luck might come to my aid and lift me out of my sewage existence and into the favor of mobility. But thankfulness and gratefulness indeed, are not the same.

today, i am not grateful. when I no longer have to wait for others to give me liberty because i have my own, i will be grateful.

If someone reads this and is defensive, I will be glad of it, because if i have offended, then i will know who to despise, because I suffer their consequences.

 
How, can someone be grateful for such a thing?

Current Mood: <---the grateful that 1 wantd?

procrasterbating...

Current Mood: amused